I’m not dying, well not any time soon, but aren’t we all kind of dying? And I didn’t even do that title to try and get more people to read this post, even though it is definitely an intriguing title entry. I am titling this post that because on a five hour car ride, driving to the absolute middle of no where, with no phone service, running low on gas and having zero idea where you are and where you are supposed to be going as the sun is setting, I genuinely came to terms with death. Not in the way where I made my peace with God and asked him to forgive me for my sins, because, there isn’t enough time in the world for me to ask him to do such a thing. But in the way where Rianna, Mikey and myself knew that the chances of us getting murdered in a similar way to the movies Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Jeepers Creepers, The Hills Have Eyes or Friday the 13th. (We legitimately drove past a sign that said Camp Crystal Lake, so…) Because let me tell you, my family used to go to the Poconos Mountain every April break, but we haven’t been able to go in a few years, and none of us have any memory of being in one of the most desolate places in the entire world. And I don’t even think I am being dramatic. (I mean I know I’m being dramatic, but you weren’t there so you don’t know that I’m being dramatic.) We were in the middle of absolutely no where. Although, on a side note, we did get to drive through Bethel PA, where Woodstock happened, so that was pretty tight. Except for the fact that it looks, for the most part, deserted and like a standstill in time.
There were no street lights, anywhere, even when we were on what those people call an interstate. Houses are hardly within walking distance of one another, which ups the creepiness. Let’s see, what else led us to believe we were going to die… There were an unimaginable amount of deserted homes. Like a ghost town or like there had been a zombie apocalypse had just started and everyone had to leave in a hurried manner. Also, there was trash and landfills just chilling in peoples yards, a tell tale sign something isn’t right in a town. But somehow, we managed to get to our timeshare with the little gas we had and limited cell service. So, thanks to the universe for guiding us there. I also think I am not ready or pretty enough to die yet.
We were the first three to arrive, with Christa and Paige coming in a few hours behind us and Kelcy and Troy coming the day after. So we had to be the one’s to suffer and go food shopping. But!!! When we were driving to Target, the nearest store, a 35 minute drive, we passed a sign and I realized we were a town away from Scranton, PA! (For you fellow Office fans, this was a huge deal. I’m pretty lame so this was insane for me.) But, I did not find a single man like Jim Halpert anywhere, so that sucked. After food shopping we basically just went back to our little abode and cooked some white trash tacos and called it a night after Christa and Paige got there.
(Before I start, I should mention, we go this “resort” out of season as people usually go in the winter for the snow, so when we go in mid April, we are the only wierdos there, besides the occasional odd ball. So, for the most part, we have the place to ourselves.) The next morning we all woke up, with some of us sleeping in and Rianna and Mikey waking up at like the ass crack of dawn, and got our day started. It was nothing too eventful, we went to the little rec room they have down at the resort where there is an indoor pool, air hockey, pool and arcade games. Which meant there was a claw there, and of course we wasted $14 on it. But we did win like 7 stuffed animals. We were all so pumped. I mean now none of us want anything to do with these hideous stuffed animals, but at least we can say we won them. We even passed one of them off unto our mother like we won it just for her, and the fool ate the story up. We said we wanted everyone in the family to have one of the seahorses so we got the purple one just for her, which, in retrospect, is something a group of 5 year olds would do for their mother and not a group of people aged 16 and older. But, we were never a conventional family anyway. As we hung out in the pool Mikey somehow got control over all 4 noodles and repeatedly beat us over the head with them, so that did take some of the fun out of the pool. And it practically almost drowned a few of us once and again, but we all made it out alive.
We then balled up a bit, as Mikey is a pro-baller and we all are given practically no other option as civilization does not exist in these parts of the mountain. The basketball court, which is outside, has undoubtedly not been revamped since 1994 and the wooden hoop is four shots away from coming out of the ground, but that didn’t stop us. And by us I am referring to only me and Mikey. Everyone else was lame. They’ll tell you it’s because I am the older brother Mikey never got to have, but I will stick to the story that they hate fun. We then watched a horrible scary movie, because what else would you do in the middle of nowhere with no cell service and fear of being murdered without anyone knowing??? It was called the Bye Bye Man, and it was okay but like there was one plot part that was so far fetched. And for those of you who are going to look up the Bye Bye Man and tell me the entire plot line is far fetched because it’s supernatural, I do not want to hear it. My family is known for many things, and one I am most proud of, is our love for absolute trash scary movies. Don’t take this from me. We called it a night after losing an hour and a half of our lives.
On Monday, we did a little round two for food shopping to not only kill time but also pick up essentials we were too tired to remember to buy in the first place. We went a little crazy and bought WWE for playstation and then Cards Against Humanity, so we were set for the rest of our little vacation. When we got home we immediately set out to play Cards Against Humanity, and my god, it is one of the funniest games I have ever participated in. I mean it is absolutely absurd. To be fair, anyone who knows Paige knows she’ll find anything hysterical, so we were probably laughing at things that aren’t that funny but she can never get enough of anything. The game lasted a total of probably 2 and a half hours but it was time well spent. (Troy, for the record, is Kelcy’s boyfriend. I’m not sure how long they’ve been together, but I know it is much longer than what I tend to tell people, so I’ll just leave you as confused as I am.) Kelcy, Troy and Christa had all been drinking so at this point they were drunk. And somewhere between the end of cards against humanity and the beginning of rummy 500, Christa managed to sneak off to bed by like 9 o’clock. Which was weak. Kelcy and Troy, on the other hand, were only getting started for the night. Playing, to them what had been a very intricate card game, turned out to be almost unbearable. The amount of times we had to re-explain the rules to Troy, because he somehow managed to re-word the same question 15 times, drove me insane. So much so to the point that we changed it from rummy 500 to rummy 250. (Technically this is cheating, but technically, my family already cheats the game entirely so we don’t care. We bend the rules a little bit because we have a history of sore losers in the family and we are all horrible grudge-holders so if we want to keep in contact as we get older, a little bending of the rules is completely necessary.) WWE was very difficult, and to everyone’s surprise, Mikey sucked, so that was really fun for everybody. Sometimes the boy needs to be put in his place. And being taken down by the Undertaker continuously shut him right up.
On Tuesday, it was mine and Rianna’s last day. Because, despite what you probably think, I am in fact still a college student and could only miss two days of classes without failing my life away so, we had to make the most of our last day. In the blissful location of no civilization, it proved to be quite easy. We got our wiffle bat and ginormous kickball and got ready for a major game of wiffle ball. It was Troy, Michael and myself against Rianna, Paige, Christa and Kelcy. Originally, this seemed like a pretty fair game as all of my sisters played softball for many years and Mikey sucked at baseball, and Troy is the kind of guy who sucks at all sports, but the game did not go as planned. Christa, Rianna and Kelcy were all way more out of shape than any of us expected and this proved to really destroy their team. The amount of time it took them to retrieve a ball that went behind one of them was absolutely ridiculous. So, my team basically destroyed theirs. By the end of the game we felt so bad for all of them that we tried our very hardest to play lazy but they were all lazy as is so it didn’t work. We won by like 14. After that I took a nice bath in the jacuzzi/tub the unit comes with. I put a nice lil bath bomb in it and did a face mask and just relaxed. Except for the fact that I unknowingly made the water way too hot, the second my whole body was submerged it was genuinely difficult for me to move. I figured once my body adjusted, it would be okay and less of a tingly sensation, but that never happened. Thankfully, Christa came into the bathroom and put cold water on for me, I probably would’ve died if she hadn’t of come in. As an entire family we all did that biore charcoal nose strip and then as the heathens we are, compared the dirt in each strip. Rianna won as grossest. (Something she was a little to quick to brag about.)
Around 8/9 me and Rianna had to begin our long journey back home. Neither of us were looking forward to the drive as it was already dark and, I know this is repetitive but I need you to understand, there are no streetlights anywhere. So we spent an hour on an interstate in complete darkness, we were driving with the high beams on and passed maybe a total of 7 cars. So, we also accepted death in this hour too. I, for some reason, was unbelievably exhausted and did the one thing I was not supposed to do and fell asleep. To be fair, Rianna had been talking to Nick on the phone for an hour and I had very little to entertain myself so I eventually just drifted off into sleep. I kept waking back up though because was constantly doing shit to make sure she was staying awake, like opening windows, putting up and turning down the heat, and using different music to wake her up. Each time I woke back up again I felt like I was in a different decade because she kept playing very specific artists each time I woke up. There were the Beatles at one point, Taylor Swift circa Fearless, One Direction, I am pretty sure Tom Petty was one at one point and then The Maine. It was kind of trippy. I remained awake for maybe the last hour or so, but was entirely useless and the worst co-pilot of all time. But when we got home, at 2 am, I came to the horrible realization that I had a six page research paper due in english class in a mere six hours, so I didn’t go back to sleep that night. I didn’t have the prompt for the essay and my professor is older so he hadn’t put it online, so I basically made up whatever I thought the research paper was supposed to be. And baby let me tell you, it was the worrrrsssttttt paper I have ever been forced to read let alone write. I mean I was impressed with the information I was able to pull out of thin air, but also disgusted in the effort I put into an embarrassing paper.
So, I walk into class the next day, with insanely large bags under my eyes, running on 3 or 4 half assed hours of sleep in a car, ratty hair and my grandfather’s sweater, ready to turn in the most shameful piece of work I have ever done, only to find out, the paper was not due. Relief was the first thing I felt, but also the feeling dissipated all to quickly, as I became wrought with exhaustion and hysteria. I stayed up all night doing absolute shit all for nothing. It was undoubtedly a wake up call that I need to get my life together and stop being a slacker. (A wakeup call I almost certainly will ignore.) Later that night, after that damn art class I take, I decided to watch Hairspray instead of getting the sleep I very much needed. And I am positive it only felt like the most significant movie of our lifetime because of the sleep deprivation, but I can truthfully tell you I will never be able to watch that movie without admiration. Because in that night, last night to be exact, something about that movie changed me for the better. It was genuinely a spiritual experience. I cried, laughed and felt my heart grow a little bigger. And I am not ashamed to admit that. (I am actually a little ashamed but I need to accept that I am a flawed human being.)
There you have it my friends, an all too detailed account of something happening in my life you undoubtedly do not care about but for some reason continue to read. I’m sorry to be wasting your time with such foolishness, and I am also sorry because I probably will not stop. Till next time comrades.