What The Hell Is Going On?

 

Finals are almost upon us ladies and gents, unless you’re EWill, in which case I hate you and, I will reluctantly admit, incredibly proud. But knowing finals are coming up may be one of the more horrifying realizations of any first year college student. Not because that means testing, get real, we became desensitized to that years ago. But because it means our first year in college, or first complete year out of high school (which is just as much a feat as a year of school, respect to all sides of the spectrum must be paid). For those of you in college, however, that means we are no longer freshmen, again. We are officially sophomores, or as I like to spell it, sophmores! That incorrect spelling and decision to stand behind that spelling is coming to you live from an English major who has in fact completed her first year of school. But, it’s more of an artistic choice. You probably wouldn’t understand, unless you also chose to go to a tiny liberal arts school with little to no previous art experience. Haha, embrace my stupidity with me!!!

Anyways, this feeling, if I sit and think about it for hours on end which I only ever do if I’m writing a post, is pretty surreal. Not in the way where I can not believe it’s happening, but in a way where this year passed all too quickly and I’m struggling to cope with how I’ve managed to stay afloat. Which, I’m sure can be something we all relate to. Unless you’re a genius, and I know these people exist, and if you read this post Liv Flynn, I hate you. More precisely, hate that you’re so intelligent but, I’m bitter. But, somehow, those of us choosing to go to college have, for the most part, made it out alive. And I am damn proud of that.

I recently read a post from the Oddyssey where it was a girl, similar to me (A little too similar if you ask me… there can only be so many white girls writing blog posts. She needs to back tf up.) who had decided to write a post that was akin to this one. She was writing as a sort of ode to her high school friends, classmates and the people she had kept in touch with. It was cute. And in a way, it inspired this post, but being me, this post will hardly be coherent and the theme will be, for the most past, incomprehensible.

As some of you are aware, and really majority of readers are my incredibly supportive friends who indulge me in my narcissistic ways, so you are all aware, college for me has proven to be a very odd, sometimes challenging experience. I watched many of you on your instagram and snapchats, having the times of your lives and though I was happy for you, I resented you a tiny bit. You see, my first year did not go the same. I did not make many friends my first year, which is a very difficult thing to admit. I was not partying every weekend, although to be fair was never really what I’d planned on doing much of. (Don’t get me wrong, I love a good party as much as the next gal but boy oh boy does alcohol make me want to die a slow painful death. I may have the weakest stomach on earth, so virtually any alcoholic beverage is hard to stomach. But, I do suffer through most of the time anyways.)  And I truly admire those who can drink anything, as long as they’re being responsible and having fun doing it. I had a little group of friends in the first semester, but it never quite felt right. I am a self admitted over analyzer though, so there is no way this trait helped me at all throughout my first year. But that group kind of fell apart as a friend of mine transferred out after first semester, and that was when I sort of started thinking of transferring too. I’ve made more friends and have met some incredibly cool people in my first year at Lesley, but no part of me ever felt like I belonged. And the more I saw and heard my high school friends admitting college was the best thing that’s ever happened to them, my anxieties about school became heightened. Which was both good and bad. There’s nothing wrong with the fact that I’ve decided to transfer out, although part of me is a little ashamed. Maybe it’s because I feel like I couldve out in more effort to make this school great for me, forced myself to do more things, hung out with people I had nothing in common with in order to expand my very small group of confidants. But at the same, part of me felt like if I was really going to love college, the experience shouldn’t have been so strained. I shouldn’t have to force myself to do things I’m not into, or hang out with people whose personalities fight me at any chance they can. Being the (flawed) person I am, I want to have some sort of conclusive statement as to why I can justify transferring, but the more I try to come up with that statement, I realize it just isn’t possible. There are too many factors going into me transferring and there are too many reasons why I could’ve forced myself to give it another shot, but I don’t owe anyone an explanation. Which was something else I felt like I needed, to give someone an explanation, a definitive reason. But I’ve come to realize, most of your don’t care. If you’re my friends, you just want me to do what makes me happy, and if you’re not really a friend, you just don’t give a fuck.

Enough about me though, let’s talk about you. My friends, the people who read these incredibly long posts with nothing but my rants despite the fact that it isn’t always relevant. Because of you guys, I managed to make it out of this year with new hopes and love for the bond we will always share. I am so incredibly happy for all of you. It brings me so much comfort knowing you live in a new place with the people you had always known would become your friends one day. Maybe not the specific person, but who they may be and all that they are to you. High school is tough, you typically never branch out from those who you’ve known your entire lives so even if you’re not necessarily all that alike, you’ll always be friends. But we were different, we were a group of misfits that had been abandoned by a large group of girls. Yet somehow, it worked. And you are the people who will be my constant in life. No matter what. And now that you have these new friends, ones much more like you than perhaps I had been, it’s not threatening but almost a relief. You deserve to be surrounded by the people who remind you so much of yourself and allow to have fun doing even the most mundane things. Everyone deserves that. And for the few of my gals who did struggle, and I’m pretty sure these two gals don’t read my blog but I didn’t want to be an asshole for not addressing them as well. You were there for me, and I hope that I’d been there for you in the same over this year. It’s difficult you guys being so far from home, not only for me (remember I am a selfish person) but for you as well. And I’m so incredibly proud that you finished the year strong despite how impossible it felt to do that at times. Things will get better for you, if they don’t than this world is entirely unfair and a miserable experience because you deserve to be happy. And I have faith that you will be better next year. Until then, we can all live together in ignorance of the uncertainty of next year. In all, I am glad that I’ll selfishly have you for myself over the summer, I’ve missed you all quite terribly.

Even those of you who may not be directly in my social circle from high school, I have some of you in mind now as some of the greatest people I know and will ever know. And I’m sure you think of me as that annoying girl from high school who basically forced you into companionship. (In which case, know that this is now a lifetime commitment.) I’ve run in to quite a lot of you over these past few months, even befriended you despite not seeing you in school everyday, and it’s been amazing. Though I hope to never be a person who can’t outlive high school, I don’t think making friends from the people of your past is something you should simply discard as a invaluable thing. I hope you never the feel the need to dodge me if you ever see me around Braintree, I think we can manage a wave if we come into contact. And if you ever come into Marylou’s, I’ll probably say hello because I think of you as a friend, seeing as we did go to school together for 12 years and all. But if you’d rather ignore the hello and simply state your coffee order, I’ll just spit in your coffee! (I’m kidding I wouldn’t really do that, to spite you I’d make you the best coffee ever so that anytime after that you want me to make your coffee when you come in but I’ll never take your order again. Hahaha)

Despite my ramblings, I had a clear goal when I was planning to write this, which was to acknowledge and embrace this next chapter, or in my case, blog part of our lives. This year was pretty cool. And no matter what you did or didn’t do, you should be proud and embrace this next year to the fullest extent. (I was gonna say I’m proud of you, but that could be a lie. (Emma Lynch)) (Kidding) I hope to see you all soon. Although not at Braintree day, fuuuuuuuckkkkkk that shit. I love a lot of you, but not enough to deal with that insanity.

Till next time.

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